Well it happened. My baby girl turned two at the end of August. Yep. We have a toddler now. How in the world is that possible? Yesterday we were praying and begging God to let us please keep this pregnancy, and now that little heartbeat and blob on an ultrasound is two years old. We blinked. Damnit. Everyone tells you not to blink, that it goes fast, that the days are so long but the years are short. They were not lying to us. We know that now. And we know that the next years will only increase in speed as they fly past. 

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My house is a mess. She is still in pajamas. My anxiety is high. Life is hard. Humans can really suck. Being a full time, working from home / work hybrid, toddler mom, during a global pandemic, while the world is literally on fire, and families are S.T.R.U.G.G.L.I.N.G is well….F*ing exhausting. 

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But I am doing the best I can. 

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Some days that looks like me snuggling my toddler in bed reading books most of the morning and working late. Other days that’s me up early praying she sleeps in so that I can get as much done before she wakes up as possible so that when she wakes up I can actually focus on her. 

We miss her friends. We miss having her interacting and playing with kids her own age. We miss the stress of commuting and getting lunches packed and the three of us out the door on time. We miss normal. 

My husband and I have not been on an “Us” vacation since our honeymoon in 2014. So knowing that this year we were going to hopefully purchase a home we also decided to skip extended family vacations last year. Which SUCKED. But it’s what we wanted to do in order to achieve our bigger goals of home ownership. By the grace of God, we were able to purchase our first home in June and moved in July. It has been THE biggest blessing to our family this year by far. 

That being said, we also made the decision that we needed to take time for us as a family and we planned to extend my business trip in November and have Michael and Zoe fly out at the end of my trip to join me in California and go to Disney. DISNEY! Then spend a few days at the beach, because come on…It’s the beach and who doesn’t want a beach vacation in the middle of November? I am sure you have guessed by now that we ended up canceling that vacation due to COVID-19 and the health risks that traveling could bring to not only us, but to those around us. Honestly the closer we are getting to those canceled trip dates the more my heart hurts and the frustration with how 2020 is going rises. 

I am done. 

I am tired. 

I am over it. 

There have been times in the last 6 months that my mental health has crashed into dark and twisty. I climbed out. I did the work and got my head better. There have been times that life has been wonderful and I have been okay with living differently this year because it was only temporary. And you can do anything for a few weeks…I mean a month…or two months…or I guess a year? When is this shit going to end? (Asking for a friend.) 

I started this blog in April with the goal to encourage other young working mothers. To let them see that normal working mom life is chaotic, but beautiful. That it is hard, but if you love your career, it is so worth it. That there were other young working moms, figuring it out one day at a time just like her, and that it would be okay. 

Today this is me being transparent. 

I am struggling. I am struggling to balance my emotions and huge life changes while my baby turns two and life seems to still be moving all while everything is on hold. I am struggling with what we had to give up, even though we have been blessed beyond measure this year, the canceled plans have still sucked. 

Not being able to make plans with friends, and celebrate new life, or just have zoo trips like normal has been hard. Having to explain to every invite we get that with a high risk toddler my answer will be no, for a long time. Having to explain that there is no one I care more about on this planet than my daughter, and that means keeping her safe which means saying no. . . I shouldn’t have to explain that. Just a friendly reminder: If you have a friend with young  kids you haven’t seen much of since the beginning of the year, please for the love of God do not question their love or friendship to you. Show grace. Be encouraging that she is doing an amazing job as a mother and employee and spouse. Please. 

I am doing the absolute best I can to make sure I am helping the company I helped build move forward and be successful. I am doing the absolute best I can to make sure I am putting in time to my marriage and my friendship with my husband that it desperately deserves. I am doing the absolute best I can to make sure that my daughter feels loved and worthy of being paid attention to, even if that means I need to sacrifice sleep to make up for hours with work later. 

. . . Honestly. . . I could not accomplish any of what I do without the love and support that my husband shows me daily, the boss and family that his company is to me, and the friends and family who have stepped up and have been there for me like freaking ROCK STARS over the last six months. 

This is me, being transparent, exhausted, but still showing up. Still trying my best. Even if my best one day is less than it was the day before. I am doing the best I can under the circumstance I am in. 

Mama? You are not alone. You are worthy of love. You are ALLOWED TO NOT BE OKAY, and that is okay. You are allowed to have a meltdown. You are allowed to hide in the bathroom and cry. You are allowed to have that LARGE glass of wine and just feel your feelings. You are allowed to struggle through 2020.

Today when I was my third breakdown of the morning she came up to me with a level and was showing me she was like mommy and held the level up to the wall and said “Yes! Mama Help!” She is why I keep going. She is my main reason I dry the tears, fix my mascara, and get back up. She is my Why.

Mama, You are not alone. . .