Backing Away from Social Media.

I have started this post so many times I don’t even know what I am writing about anymore. Each time I have followed a different train of thought and ultimately abandoned the idea because I could not articulate what I am feeling or want to say. I stopped writing a rant piece where I complain about ignorant comments made to new and expecting mothers. I deleted lines and lines of a “Happy life update”. I have thought about writing a post where I walk through what we did differently so far for this baby than what we did for our first, then scrapped that paragraph.I thought about putting together a list of “Must Haves” for baby and the hospital, but got half way into that and decided to pass. 

Now I am here. A place I figured I would eventually end up, but not for another few years. I don’t want to be a social media mom. I don’t want to be a mommy blogger. I don’t want to follow a schedule, or grow an IG account to the thousands. I don’t want the added pressure of keeping up with yet another account, or inbox. 

I help manage social media channels on multiple platforms for work, and trying to keep up with a personal account and a blog account on top of that is just so damn draining. I have stepped back, obviously because I don’t post like ever anymore. But I am done with this. I don’t ever want to spend time writing, or posting, or following up on comments, or direct messages. Social media is freaken exhausting. 

I want to grow to be the best mom I can be for my kids. I want to be in the moment as much as possible and not worry about getting the best photo for a post that is coming up, or one that will grow my account. I started this a little over a year ago because I had a lot of extra time on my hands and I always wanted to write and be an authentic encouragement to someone else who might be able to relate to me and what I was going through. 

I wanted to share my journey to motherhood with others who have gone through loss. I wanted to share my story and let others know how NOT alone they are when you feel like you are the only living soul on the planet. I wanted to share my experiences and ideas on parenting a toddler with my background in Early Childhood Education. I wanted to be a real life example that we all have no idea what we are doing and not even the picture perfect mom at drop off has her shit together. We are all losing our damn minds while we try to navigate life with tiny humans. No amount of education, parenting classes, or advice will prepare you for doing life day in and day out with your kids. 

Whether or not the people parenting around you choose to let you see into the messy part of their parenting life is up to them. Just don’t be fooled by the facade that can so easily distract you from your confidence in doing the best job you possibly can for your children. 

….Oh yeah, Now I am here. 

Tired, Cranky, Pregnant, Hot as a mother, Waiting for the arrival of our little one, and wanting the world to be a better place to raise our kids and everyone to just be nicer to each other.

I am backing away from social media, and focusing on me, my marriage, my mental health, and my little humans.

Blissfully Miserable

Several months ago my husband and I were watching our daughter play on the floor with our golden retriever and talk to her as if she was talking to her best friend. She would offer the dog a toy to play with to which our dog would paw at, and would send our daughter into a fit of giggles because she responded to her. You see at this point we had been in quarantine / minimal interaction with anyone outside of our own home for many months now. Our daughter went from having kids her own age to play with all day to just mommy and daddy focused on work all day and the dog. (Thank God for the dog)

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Maui Lee

This beautiful fur baby Maui, does not get enough credit around here. We got her as a tiny puppy shortly after we had lost our first baby because, well, that shit is hard to navigate and I was lost and broken and needed something to love. In addition to several weeks of counseling, we bought a dog, I got a tattoo, and I cut off all of my hair. You know, normal, totally healthy responses to loss, and honestly I regret nothing. Counseling helped validate my feelings.

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I am 1in4.

To those of you who understand what it’s like to be in the 1in4 club…I am sorry. To those of you who are asking yourself what club is that? Count yourself blessed. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss. You may not have experienced pregnancy loss, but the chances are pretty high that someone close to you has.

I have always been transparent, and very open about our pregnancy loss journey. Mostly because I was completely shattered when it happened to us, and had NO IDEA how common it was for a very happy, healthy, expecting mother to have to tell their baby goodbye, only what felt like moments after she said hello to two little lines or a smiley face.

I didn’t know. Not that if I had known it would have made what we went through any easier. But somehow knowing I wasn’t so isolated may have brought some comfort. Only now, years later do I understand the importance of being open and transparent about our loss. Only now do I get it that with one woman being open and honest about pregnancy trauma, loss, and the aggressive lack of happy butterflies it brings some women, someone else can feel a little less alone.

In the last few days I have seen many posts from grieving mothers, mothers who are still waiting, mothers who have their rainbow and have recently experienced loss yet again. As I scroll through my feed my heart feels a small twist of grief for each one that I see, because I know that the women who are making these posts to help spread awareness have been either immediately affected, or know someone very dear to them who have experienced loss. That hurts.

Just a short while ago my husband and I were sitting on the couch snuggled up together watching a movie, when a dear friend of mine messaged me that she was at the beginning stages of losing her baby. (Again). She found out not too long before this message found me, and she shared with me that it was new, and early and exciting but still terrifying. She asked me how I got through the anxiety with my pregnancy after loss?

In that moment my head and all of my emotions flooded back to every doctor’s appointment, every ultrasound, every night when I noticed the baby kicking less, every nightmare, every time someone told me how excited they were for me…because though I was “excited”…I feel like the anxiety and fear that drowned me in my overall healthy pregnancy with my daughter robbed me from the excitement that everyone around me seemed to have.

Pregnancy loss, no matter how far along you were, or how many you have lost, will forever change you.

I was robbed of the Glowing Joy & Excitement. And instead was gifted with ugly fear, anxiety, and waiting for the doctor to tell me it was ending like the one before had. You take it a day at a time. You do your absolute best to not be swallowed by the fear, but in every “good, strong heartbeat” appointment though it brings momentary relief, you are just thinking about if she will still be there at the next one. You get robbed.

Lord willing you get to the end of a full term healthy pregnancy. With every visit being good news, with strong heartbeats, happy baby kicks, good anatomy scans, and awesome bloodwork. I pray that if you are reading this today and you are pregnant that that is what you are blessed with. Nothing but Good News appointments, and a beautiful and safe delivery of your little one.

If you have experienced loss, and are expecting your rainbow baby, I pray that you are given peace, and a calm heart for the rest of your pregnancy. I pray that when the fear and anxiety creep in that it is short lived and you get through it a day at a time.

Oh! Just in case no one has told you, mama, being 1in4 is NOT. Your. Fault.

Toddler Learning Toys

Well it happened. My baby girl turned two at the end of August. Yep. We have a toddler now. How in the world is that possible? Yesterday we were praying and begging God to let us please keep this pregnancy, and now that little heartbeat and blob on an ultrasound is two years old. We blinked. Damnit. Everyone tells you not to blink, that it goes fast, that the days are so long but the years are short. They were not lying to us. We know that now. And we know that the next years will only increase in speed as they fly past. 

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