This beautiful fur baby Maui, does not get enough credit around here. We got her as a tiny puppy shortly after we had lost our first baby because, well, that shit is hard to navigate and I was lost and broken and needed something to love. In addition to several weeks of counseling, we bought a dog, I got a tattoo, and I cut off all of my hair. You know, normal, totally healthy responses to loss, and honestly I regret nothing. Counseling helped validate my feelings.

Continue reading “Maui Lee” →

To those of you who understand what it’s like to be in the 1in4 club…I am sorry. To those of you who are asking yourself what club is that? Count yourself blessed. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss. You may not have experienced pregnancy loss, but the chances are pretty high that someone close to you has.

I have always been transparent, and very open about our pregnancy loss journey. Mostly because I was completely shattered when it happened to us, and had NO IDEA how common it was for a very happy, healthy, expecting mother to have to tell their baby goodbye, only what felt like moments after she said hello to two little lines or a smiley face.

I didn’t know. Not that if I had known it would have made what we went through any easier. But somehow knowing I wasn’t so isolated may have brought some comfort. Only now, years later do I understand the importance of being open and transparent about our loss. Only now do I get it that with one woman being open and honest about pregnancy trauma, loss, and the aggressive lack of happy butterflies it brings some women, someone else can feel a little less alone.

In the last few days I have seen many posts from grieving mothers, mothers who are still waiting, mothers who have their rainbow and have recently experienced loss yet again. As I scroll through my feed my heart feels a small twist of grief for each one that I see, because I know that the women who are making these posts to help spread awareness have been either immediately affected, or know someone very dear to them who have experienced loss. That hurts.

Just a short while ago my husband and I were sitting on the couch snuggled up together watching a movie, when a dear friend of mine messaged me that she was at the beginning stages of losing her baby. (Again). She found out not too long before this message found me, and she shared with me that it was new, and early and exciting but still terrifying. She asked me how I got through the anxiety with my pregnancy after loss?

In that moment my head and all of my emotions flooded back to every doctor’s appointment, every ultrasound, every night when I noticed the baby kicking less, every nightmare, every time someone told me how excited they were for me…because though I was “excited”…I feel like the anxiety and fear that drowned me in my overall healthy pregnancy with my daughter robbed me from the excitement that everyone around me seemed to have.

Pregnancy loss, no matter how far along you were, or how many you have lost, will forever change you.

I was robbed of the Glowing Joy & Excitement. And instead was gifted with ugly fear, anxiety, and waiting for the doctor to tell me it was ending like the one before had. You take it a day at a time. You do your absolute best to not be swallowed by the fear, but in every “good, strong heartbeat” appointment though it brings momentary relief, you are just thinking about if she will still be there at the next one. You get robbed.

Lord willing you get to the end of a full term healthy pregnancy. With every visit being good news, with strong heartbeats, happy baby kicks, good anatomy scans, and awesome bloodwork. I pray that if you are reading this today and you are pregnant that that is what you are blessed with. Nothing but Good News appointments, and a beautiful and safe delivery of your little one.

If you have experienced loss, and are expecting your rainbow baby, I pray that you are given peace, and a calm heart for the rest of your pregnancy. I pray that when the fear and anxiety creep in that it is short lived and you get through it a day at a time.

Oh! Just in case no one has told you, mama, being 1in4 is NOT. Your. Fault.