Someone asked me if I was excited for our 20week prenatal appointment / anatomy scan this coming week. Honestly it caught me off guard how quickly a pit in my stomach developed.
If it was any other person who asked me this question I probably would have responded with the “appropriate glowingly happy” pregnancy response like “oh my gosh yes!”.
However, knowing this person has experienced pregnancy loss too, I knew I could be blunt and honest with how I was feeling. And the truth is, no.
I’m not excited to go into any of my prenatal appointments because after you experience the worst case scenario enough times you are sort of conditioned to expect worst case scenario situations.
You brace for impact. You take a deep breath, and then never let it go.
As of right now we have no reason to believe baby is anything but healthy. But what if that all changes with the next appointment? We have sat in those appointments before. The supposed to be exciting appointment turned tragic in a moment.
What if this is the appointment where everything goes wrong?
Those thoughts are what runs through my head when I am asked a question that should have a simple answer. Nothing about pregnancy after loss is simple. What makes it even worse, is that you are afraid to say your truth because of the judgment of someone who doesn’t understand.
UPDATE: Though most of my prenatal appointments are traveled solo, my husband was able to go with me for 1/2 of this one. He gets to participate in the “Big” ones. Don’t even ask me why the hell people can sit down in a restaurant without masks to eat together as a group of 10 or less, but my husband cannot sit with me in a room with three people to go to pregnancy updates with me so I don’t have to do it alone. My blood pressure will raise so much I will probably need a squad. ( And while yes, this is a rant, it is my blog, so I get to rant.) It is a giant ball of bull shit. Rant over.
The update from the appointment. I am blown away with how well our appointment went. I held my breath through the entire thing while Michael sat right next to me holding my shoulder. One little tiny body part the technician walked us through what she was looking for and when it was “perfect”. With every check mark down the list I could feel my body relaxing more and more until eventually she got to the last one and told us that our sweet little baby was a beautiful example of perfection and healthy, and the tears just flowed. I couldn’t help it. No one can prepare you for that amount of relief to physically leave your body.
Baby is healthy. Right on track with weight and measurements across the board. I cannot tell you how incredibly overwhelmed and blessed we are to have had our appointment go that well. Though I am almost certain I will always be bracing for impact, today we get to breathe a little easier, and rest a little deeper.